In episode 36: Postpartum Mental Health and Suicide, Part III, we discuss how having a child often contributes to feelings of unhappiness in the marriage. In many examples, those feelings are temporary and can be overcome. Having a healthy partnership is important for the mental health of every person in the family (including newborn babies!). But it can be hard to maintain your romantic spark, especially with a new baby in the home. In this blog, we want to give you a little hope, and perhaps some insight, on how you can improve your relationship. As you review these hints, consider how often you are doing these things in your relationship. Try uping your relationship game by making these part of your routine. We know that feeling connected and supported are critical in preventing suicide, and that a relationship ending plays a major role in suicide attempts.
Magic 5 Hours
John Gottman, perhaps the preeminent marriage researcher in the United States, has found that you can improve your relationship by doing these 5 things regularly. *Keep in mind that in this pandemic world some of these routines may look a little different:
Partings:
Usually done in the mornings. Each member of the couple discusses what they expect will happen in the day. This should take about 10 minutes.
Reunions:
Typically take place at the end of the day. The couple discusses what actually did happen that day. Again, this takes about 10 minutes. Note that this should be a dialogue between two people, not a monologue by just one.
Admiration and appreciation:
Express feelings of gratitude or affection every day to your partner. (Maybe 5 minutes a day?) What do you like and admire in your partner? What should you be thanking them for?
Daily expressions of physical affection:
A smooch, a shoulder rub, a hug. Sex counts, but nonsexual touch may be even more important. (Another 5 minutes a day)
A weekly date of at least 2 hours:
Dates are about spending time together, not about spending money. The purpose of the date is to enjoy each other’s company, so chores like going to the grocery do not count. A cheap date like a picnic or a walk in the park can be great! If your date involves screen time (e.g., movies or TV), make sure it also includes time to talk, perhaps over dinner, a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine. Note that Gottman recommends weekly dates, not once every 6 months. If you have young children, find a babysitter that you can use once a week for 2 hours. And while it is fun to be with other couples, you still need a weekly date for just the two of you! And, very importantly, you have to have fun. If you are a grouch on your date, it may be the last date you get.
Gottman estimates that doing these 5 things takes about 5 hours a week–a pretty small investment to improve your relationship. Don’t make excuses as to why you can’t do these things regularly.
In Conclusion…
Keeping your spark alive can be challenging no matter what the circumstance. Fortunately, you can improve your relationship by regularly engaging in simple actions: practice daily communication, express appreciation regularly, frequently engage in physical affection, and continue to have fun together. Couples who do these things are much more likely to remain together and happy. Maintaining a positive relationship can be a deterrent for suicide attempts and a boost for the mental health of every person in the home.