In Episode 21: Talking Teen Mental Health, Part III: Advice to Parents, our guest, Natalie Alyssa Sanchez, suggested that parents are sometimes too quick to focus on correcting their teen’s problems, rather than on understanding their feelings. Parents have experienced trouble understanding their adolescents since ancient times. A Babylonian tablet predicted that the world was going to hell because of the next generation. Those Babylonian parents, much like modern ones, complained about how hard it was to figure out their teens. Most parents also find it difficult to talk with their adolescent. So, how can we achieve better communication with teens?
Crime and Punishment
Parents of teens often find that punishment doesn’t seem to work very well to influence their adolescent. For example, if the teen brings home a poor report card or stays out too late with friends, the parent may respond by restricting them from their computer or cell phone. Often, this strategy is ineffective because the teen needs their electronics to do schoolwork. Or, once the device is returned, the teen does the same thing again. “They didn’t learn anything,” these parents may exclaim.
Unfortunately, punishment is not a particularly effective strategy to encourage good behavior. We are not advocating ignoring bad behavior or being too lenient. Rather, we recommend trying other ways to connect with your teens.
Passionate and Private
Teens are private creatures. They generally resist telling you too much about their world. They may advertise their innermost thoughts on social media, but they don’t usually respond well to parents’ direct questions, “How was your day?” or “Are you having any problems?” Instead, listen to what they say, when they say it. To have better communication with teens, you have to listen to the messages embedded in their casual conversation. Seemingly random comments about a band, for example, may be an expression of how they are developing their own interests and world view.
Teens are also passionate. They have strong opinions about most everything. They often relish being different from their parents–in dress, music, activities, etc. Within limits, allow them to explore their own interests, and try to better understand their pursuits. Even if they are like Mom or Dad in one area, they will probably be very different in some others. Be okay with them being themselves. Let them teach you about their interests.
Validate and Commiserate
Don’t minimize or downplay the way they see the world. While they do not have the experience or wisdom of you, their parents, they want to feel validated for their feelings. For example, telling them not to be upset after a romantic breakup is not helpful. Explaining that you know more about the world than they do will be met with silence or an argument.
Similarly, don’t be too quick to solve problems for them. Often, you simply can’t fix things for them. They are going to have to figure out how to master academic subjects on their own. You can’t make all their teachers be fair. You can’t make others like them. Sometimes, the best you can do is commiserate, “That stinks.” or “I know that is really hard for you.” Don’t underestimate the power of empathy–”I can understand how you feel.” It is much more powerful than, “You shouldn’t feel the way you (already) do.” Good communication with your teen requires you to be supportive of their efforts.
Let your teen know when you are pleased with them. Parents tend to do this more with younger children, but teens also need to hear praise. Frequently, adolescents feel that they are constantly in trouble. They don’t usually ask for it, but teens yearn for their parents’ approval. Don’t we all do better with a pat on the back?
Look for ways to reward good behavior, rather than seeking to restrict them for bad behavior. So, rather than taking away a video game console, you might give your teen extra time on the console for being on time or completing a task early.
Emotional Control and Your Gut
When you are disappointed or angry with your adolescent, control your emotions. You cannot expect them to exercise emotional control if you don’t. When you lose your temper, you are losing control of the situation. As it is sometimes said, “He who angers you…controls you.” Calm yourself prior to talking with your teen about a problem.
Notice changes in your teen’s behavior, attitude, school performance, friends, activities. When you see changes, bring them up in a softened, nonthreatening way: “I’ve noticed…you haven’t been playing your guitar, mentioned so and so, stopped going to your youth group, etc.” Don’t dismiss your gut reactions. If you note changes that seem ominous (e.g. looking up suicide on the internet), consult with a mental heath professional.
In Closing…
Better communication with teens requires patience, acceptance, and emotional control. Punishment is less effective than listening and understanding. Be slow to respond when you are upset.