We have frequently featured “myths about suicide” in on Leaving the Valley. In “Episode 62: Myth BUSTED — No One Will Miss Me When I’m Gone”, we look at a belief than many suicidal people may tell themselves. This is of course, completely false. You will be missed. No matter what circumstances are leading to thoughts of suicide, there is simply no way your absence won’t be noticed. Humans are incredibly interdependent. That is why, despite whatever cause, we grieve when someone dies. Even in situations where we haven’t spoken to someone in years, we are affected by news of their death (especially in tragic circumstances like suicide).
Grief
After the death of a loved one almost everyone experiences acute grief. Perhaps we cannot believe the news. We feel shock. Denial is common. The reality of the death may even be delayed, often until well after the funeral. Eventually, most begin to experience integrated grief. With integrated grief (e.g., after the death of someone to natural causes) intense feelings of loss gradually diminish. This does not mean they don’t miss their loved one. Rather, that they gradually shift their focus to their own lives. Increased waves of grief may occur when reminded of their loss (e.g., at holidays, anniversary dates). Those pangs, however, do not persist. The person is again able to work effectively, enjoy the pleasures of life, and seek the company of friends. One person described it like the hole of the donut. “The hole is always there, but your attention is on the pastry.”
Suicide may complicate our feelings of grief
Suicide, more than many other causes of death may lead to what mental health professionals call complicated grief. This type of grief remains intensive over a longer period of time. Complicated grief may continue to negatively affect people’s lives for many years. Following a suicide it is estimated that 10-20% of bereaved individuals experience complicated grief, a much higher rate than for most other causes of death. Among the negative consequences of complicated grief is that it increases the risk of suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts among those who are grieving.
Rather than it being true that “no one will miss me”, suicide affects how one is remembered. Feelings of guilt, confusion, rejection, shame, and anger are more common and prominent with those grieving a suicide than with other forms of death. The feelings towards the deceased in complicated grief are more complex and often more negative.
Guilt and lasting impact
After a suicide bereaved survivors are apt to overestimate their own responsibility for the death and feel guilt for not having prevented it. There is a tendency to have “perfect hindsight” about what they should have recognized and should have done. These feelings of responsibility seem to be particularly prominent for the parents of those who die by suicide. Parents tend to have an ongoing sense of wanting to protect their offspring, even from themselves, and of failure when their “child” takes their life.
The ones left behind by a suicide often experience a sense of personal rejection by the deceased (e.g., “Wasn’t our relationship worth living for? Why would you leave me alone to deal with all these problems?). The death by suicide may feel like a crushing blow to the concept of love or being lovable.
Anger at the deceased, at themselves, and at others is common following a suicide. Others or the self may be blamed for not doing enough to prevent the death. Anger at the deceased may be accompanied by guilt at feeling angry at someone who is still missed and was obviously in pain and unhappy. Sometimes the anger is directed at the deceased for not striving hard enough to overcome their problems or no longer being there with the survivors to address subsequent challenges.
In Conclusion…
So the myth that no one will miss me is not only untrue, the reality is exactly the opposite. If you die by suicide, you are not only missed, you are more likely to be remembered–but not warmly. Those memories are less likely to be ones of love and affection, but ones of pain, heartache, guilt, regret, and anger. Rather than going quietly into the night of oblivion, the person who takes their life often leaves an aftermath of sadness and pain that can extend for many years. In the worst case scenario, a death by suicide increases the risk that others will consider following that example.