Smart parents recognize the risks of the digital world and try to protect their children from them. You may have reminded your kids that pictures them post online can come back to haunt them years later. Or, you may have blocked inappropriate content and warned your kids about cyberbullying. If you’ve listened to episode 16: “What Parents Need to Know About Suicide, Part 1,” you know that cyberbullying can be a serious threat to young people. But how can you NOT raise a cyberbully yourself?
Most parents experienced bullying as kids or teens. It is a near universal, but unpleasant part of growing up. However, few of today’s parents grew up having direct experience with being bullied in cyberspace. Yet, their children may be bullied on their cell phones, computers, tablets, and even video game systems. Wherever kids share digital messages or content, cyberbullying can occur. Kids today are online all the time, and they are at risk for both experiencing cyberbullying and for engaging in it themselves.
So… How Do I NOT Raise a Cyberbully?
If your son or daughter sends embarrassing pictures or posts negative or shaming messages to others, they are engaging in cyberbullying. If your child is sharing someone else’s private or personal information (e.g. gossip) online that creates embarrassment or humiliation, they are participating in cyberbullying. Look for indications that your kid is attempting to manipulate others through pressure, criticism, or coercion. Although it is normal for young people to tease or be snarky, they are sometimes more intentionally hurtful.
Cyberbullying can even cross the line into unlawful or criminal actions. However, it does not have to be illegal to cause damage. Consider how your kid would react were they the target of those same pictures or posts. Don’t excuse their behavior as “just normal kid/teen behavior”. Remember that multiple people may have access to this content. You are likely not aware of vulnerabilities of all the persons who may see it. Some kids may be particularly sensitive to these negative messages. For example, the teen who is insecure about appearance may be devastated by online comments about their body. One initial comment may lead to numerous copycat remarks from “haters”, piling on the hurt and damage. Unfortunately, such cyber messages can prompt severe reactions such as cutting, substance use, or even suicidal behavior. From your own adolescence you may remember awkward incidents fueled by rumors. Think about how much more damaging those rumors would have been for you had they been permanently posted in public forums for everyone to see.
Setting Limits
Just as with sex, talk with your child about cyberbullying before it happens. Don’t assume that your kid will know better than to engage in this behavior. As with most behavior problems, prevention is much easier than cure. Talk with your child about the rules you have for appropriate behavior in the digital world. You probably have already instructed him or her about how to behave in public places or at the homes of strangers. Apply the same logic to the internet world. What is OK, and what is not OK? Of course, you may have to apply consequences for violations of your rules. There is a logical and natural connection between cyberbullying and a loss of electronic privileges. Furthermore, good choices in internet behavior can be rewarded with additional time on prized devices or websites.
To look for signs of a cyberbully, you must periodically check on your kid’s use of social media, internet gaming, and email. This is similar to going into their room to make sure they are following family rules about safety and cleanliness. Of course, your child may object to this, but this does not mean that you should avoid dealing with the problem for fear of upsetting them. As with all areas of parenting, you must sometimes set limits and rules. This kind of oversight is not spying, and for that reason it should not be done secretly. Tell your child that you will be checking. If you find signs of a cyberbully, talk with your kid about the problem and about your expectations. Don’t minimize it, ignore it, or blame someone else for your child’s internet behavior.
In Conclusion…
Cyberbullying, the modern equivalent of bullying on the playground, can have very harmful and long-lasting effects on those who are targeted. Not only must we protect our children from its harmful effects, but we must also recognize the signs of the cyberbully in our own kids. We must be willing to monitor our kids’ use of social media and the internet, and we must talk with them in order to not raise a cyberbully.