In Episode 33: Grieving a Suicide, Part II, we briefly discuss talking with kids about suicide. The key point to remember is to remain honest as you address this difficult topic. Kids will remember if you try to deceive them. If you tell them that __ died because they were sick, but it was really a suicide, they almost always find out later. They learn from your deception that you cannot be trusted to be honest with them. How important is it to teach our kids to be truthful? Especially with their parents?
When is the right time?
Sometimes parents think that their kids are too young to be told about suicide. These parents feel that the kids need to be shielded from hearing the awful reality of suicide. This is similar to the idea that the kids are too young to be told about sex.
Chances are that if you wait to talk to the children about sex until they are “old enough”, you will have waited too long. They will probably already be learning about sex from someone else, most likely a peer. You need to begin conversations about sex when kids express natural curiosity about the subject. (For example: Why do boys and girls look different?) Likewise, when kids experience a suicide in their world, perhaps on the media, they are likely to ask difficult questions (e.g., Why would a person kill themselves?). When kids begin to have more in-depth questions about the suicide of someone they loved, you need to be prepared to help explore those questions with them.
Age Appropriate Information
As with sex, children need to be given age appropriate information with regard to suicide. The understanding of a 6 year old is quite different from that of a 12 year old and a 15 year old. Let the questions or comments made by the child guide the conversation. One word of warning, you should not go into details about the way a loved one ended their life (e.g., the method of suicide), regardless of age. Explaining the manner someone uses to end their life, can influence others to consider ending their lives in a similar manner.
Examples of Talking with Kids about Suicide :
- Did ___ really kill themselves
A. (Assuming that you know it was a suicide) Unfortunately, the answer is yes.
- Why did ___ kill themselves?
A. We don’t really know all the answers for this. Sometimes when people are very sad, they make bad decisions.
- Would you ever kill yourself? (after all you have been sad at times)
A. I can understand why you would ask me this. I am sure it is very scary to think that I or someone else you know might kill themselves. But no, even when I am sad or upset, I promise I will never kill myself.
- What’s going to happen to their (kids, family, spouse, etc.)?
A. They are going to be very sad about what has happened. They will need my and your friendship and support to help them get through this.
- (So and so) said that ___ will go to hell because of the suicide.
A. Most people believe that (God/Allah) is loving and forgiving, even of suicide.
- Was ___ crazy?
A. Sometimes, people who suffer from a mental illness like depression or anxiety do take their lives. But those are illnesses. It doesn’t mean that they are crazy or can’t think straight. It usually means that they didn’t know how to handle their very strong feelings.
- Why did this have to happen?
- A. It didn’t. When a person gets super upset, they need to tell others and be willing to ask for help. If you ever get really upset, I hope you will talk with me about it.
In Closing…
Like it or not, in today’s world kids are exposed to the concept of suicide early in their lives. This may occur as a plot device in movies or other media, from news about a celebrity suicide, or from experiencing the suicide death of a friend or family member. Such events are common. After all, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the country. When your kids learn about a suicide, they may ask questions. This signals their readiness and need to have a discussion about suicide. Remember that talking with kids about suicide does NOT make them suicidal. Adjust your language to fit the age of the child, but remain honest in all that you say. Don’t hide the fact when a death was a suicide. Use that moment to springboard into suicide prevention.