In episode 15 “Myth BUSTED: Don’t Ask “Are You Suicidal?“‘ we discuss how people sometimes think of suicide almost like a fantasy. They may hold a “romantic” view of suicide. When overwhelmed, they may daydream that suicide would offer them an escape. Often they are not picturing the reality of suicide but a fantasy. This fantasy is reinforced in movies, media, and literature.
By far, the most famous example occurs with the star-crossed lovers in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. In the play, the suicides come together in a poetic and tragic ending. In other stories about suicide, a tortured soul or couple escape the pain of their existence by choosing to end their lives. The aftermath of the death is either not shown or is very far from reality.
Additionally, after the suicide of a prominent person, other people may mimic the act. Every generation can identify celebrities who have taken their lives. In today’s world, we all have shaken our heads and lamented the suicides of such people as Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams, and Kurt Cobain. Furthermore, the risk of a person considering suicide increases when a classmate, a peer, or a family member dies by suicide. At that moment, suicide may seem like a more acceptable choice. “They did it, maybe I should, too.” This simplified view of suicide though conflicts with what really occurs.
Suicide is not a romantic victimless crime. Rather, a suicide causes great anguish to the survivors left behind. The closer you are to the one who is lost, the more pain you feel. That pain is often accompanied with guilt over not being able to prevent the death. Such guilt is commonly experienced even when there were no prior signs of suicidal thoughts.
And, no, they will not:
- Be better off without you
- Get over it in time (I see patients whose loved ones died by suicide decades ago.)
Nor is suicide a bloodless event. Indeed, suicides are often horrific scenes. Finding a loved one who has died by suicide is one of the most traumatic things you can experience. The images of suicides shown in the media are highly sanitized. The real thing is just too shocking and awful. Did you know that there are specialized clean-up crews who are hired to make the home/car/place possible for the family to tolerate? Frequently, the loved ones have to move because the pain of the memory is just too great. The experience of suicide is made even worse because the first person to find the body of a suicide victim is usually a loved one. You can imagine how terrible this is for them.
Make no mistake: Suicide is not poetic. It is not pretty. It is not romantic.
In closing…
For most of us, even when our lives are not going well, we believe that tomorrow can be a better day. For the person considering suicide, though, this may not seem possible. Yet, ending one’s life does not promise a better day either. In fact, it pretty much guarantees that the people you care about will suffer. When you see a portrayal of suicide on TV or in movies keep in mind that it is not an accurate depiction of what really happens after a tragic death.