During Episode 43: How to Survive the Holidays, we discussed the idea that a good compromise leaves everyone a little mad. At the very least, after a compromise you get less than you wanted. That can leave you feeling irritated or at least a little disappointed. In this blog we will discuss the art of compromise. When should we use it? Are there other problem solving strategies that can be used to resolve differences? This blog is particularly relevant to disputes in families.
Communication problem or compromise?
Many couples come into marital therapy complaining of “communication problems”. Often what they really mean is that they don’t know how to handle situations where they don’t agree. They may understand what the other person is communicating, but they don’t like what they are hearing. In that case, problem solving strategies are needed more than communication techniques.
Is there always a compromise?
When couples are in dispute they frequently feel that a compromise is needed. The notion sounds good on the surface. I give a little, and you give a little. But what do you do when there is not any real middle ground? For example, you can’t buy half a house or a car. Yes, we could decide to buy a less expensive version, but is that really a compromise? Maybe I don’t want to buy any house or car. So how do we compromise in that situation? Another complication occurs when one person feels that they are giving up more than the other person. This is particularly a problem if one person feels that it is a pattern. “I always have to compromise more than you!”
Other Problem-Solving Strategies
Sometimes other problem-solving strategies are more appropriate than compromising. For example, you can use the “expertise method”. Who is the expert on this subject? Perhaps if you are a lawyer, your professional background might make you the best person for reviewing the details of a new lease. In that situation it might make sense that your loved one would defer to you. However, just because you are the expert in some areas, does not make you the expert in all areas, and it does not make the other person’s feelings less valid. Don’t assume that just because you know more about a particular subject, you are not obligated to include your loved ones in the discussion.
Another method of problem-solving that can work is the “vested interest” approach. Sometimes one person has very strong feelings about a matter, while the other has less investment in it. In that case, maybe you should forget about compromise and expertise. Why not let the person with strong opinions hold sway?
Sometimes, people are successful in using a simple alternating pattern in making decisions. “You make the decision this time, and next time it will be my turn.” This can work well if both parties follow the agreed pattern. If they don’t, conflict will surely emerge.
Finally, another problem solving strategy that works pretty well is to allow the “fates” to decide: a coin flip determines what we will do. Of course, you may not want to use this method for things of great importance, but this method can eliminate squabbling over minor matters. “So will it be Chinese or Mexican food tonight?”
In Conclusion…
Compromise is not the only way to deal with situations where there are different points of view. People, particularly couples, sometimes lock down on issues of fairness in how decisions are to be made. Some couples intensely fight over how to make a compromise. There are several other problem-solving strategies which you can consider. All of them have some utility, but if you don’t like one or more of the ones I have listed, consider using another one. The goal in using these problem-solving techniques is to help you get unstuck and to increase a sense of fairness in our relationships.