In Episode 32: Grieving a Suicide, Part I, our guest, social work supervisor Whitcomb Terpening, discussed the complex issues surrounding grieving a suicide. Of course, no matter how a person dies, grief is normal following the loss. But, in the case of suicide, grieving is complicated with other feelings and factors: possible shame, the stigma of suicide, anger at the deceased. So how should people go about grieving a suicide? Many people focus on the “right” and “wrong” ways to grieve.
Is there wrong way to grieve?
No! *As long as you’re not engaging in dangerous practices. An example of a dangerous practice might be excessive substance use or uncontrollable anger. You are not required to focus on any significant activities when the anniversary of a loved one’s death comes around. Process on your own timeline, but keep in mind that you may want to engage in help and support if you find yourself missing out on significant portions of your own life because you are still grieving the death of someone to suicide.
What are some things that may help me grieve?
Focus on their Life: Focus on the life the person led, not the cause of their death. This focus on life seems much more obvious when a person dies of natural events. In those situations we don’t dwell so much on the reason for their death. A person’s life is much more significant than how they died.
Handling Reminders of Your Loss You can expect that certain dates and events will intensify grieving a suicide, such as birthdays, holidays and the anniversary of the death. Some people benefit from having a plan on how you will handle those events. For example:
- Eating a special meal or engaging in a favorite activity of the deceased
- Visiting the gravesite or looking at photos of the deceased on that day
- Gathering with others affected by the loss
- Participating in a charity event in remembrance of them
Some people find it helpful to record a voice message to their missing loved one using a smart phone or digital recorder. Similarly, you could write a letter, journal or post a message on social media. Undoubtedly, you will sometimes be surprised by things that remind you of your loss. When an unexpected reminder occurs:
- Remind yourself that whatever feelings you are having, they are normal.
- Remember, that feelings are like waves at the beach, they will pass over you.
- Over time, the intensity of the feelings from these reminders will diminish.
- Plan in advance who you will talk to when an expected reminder occurs.
In Summary…
Grieving a suicide may be more complicated than dealing with other losses. The stigma surrounding suicide and the unexpected nature of the death make the grieving more difficult, but remember there is no one way to grieve. Somedays your grief may feel more manageable than others. If it’s helpful, you may want to plan how you will deal with predictable reminders of the suicide. Unexpected reminders will occur and many people benefit from having a plan for that.