In episode 46: Anger & Suicide, Part I we discuss how excessive anger can become lethal. One of the worst versions of this already hard to talk about subject is murder-suicide. In this extreme situation, a person kills someone else, often a loved one, before taking their own life. Such events are usually the culmination of a pattern of extreme anger or rage.
The vast majority of suicides result only in the death of the perpetrator. Although this is tragic (indeed, more than 45,000 people die by suicide each year in the US), the killing of others by a suicidal person is even more so. The Violence Policy Center found that around 1200 Americans die in murder-suicides each year. So while murder-suicide is not common, their research indicates that such incidents occur about 11 times a week in our country. What leads to such an extreme and terrible outcome?
Risk Factors for Murder-Suicide
There are known risk factors for murder-suicide. The most important one should be obvious: a history of domestic violence. Child abuse is also an important predictor. Typically, there is a pattern of extreme and escalating anger in perpetrators which may mask underlying depression. 91% of murder-suicides are committed by men, and about 90% of the time the weapon used is a gun. Men are more likely to both own and use firearms, and firearms lend themselves to impulsive (and fatal) use during disputes. Furthermore, firearms may be effectively used to threaten or intimidate. Access to a firearm by a person who has been previously violent or has threatened violence with a weapon escalates the risk. White males commit most of the murder-suicides against partners or former partners.
The triggering event for murder-suicides tends to be a female rejecting her lover with the threat of the end of the relationship. There is some indication that men who are possessively jealous are more likely to commit murder-suicide. Richard Gelles, an expert in the causes of violence, has suggested that these overly jealous men do not recognize the boundaries between themselves and their family members. They may view their partners and children as possessions to be taken with them during a suicide. For extreme examples of this, one might consider David Koresh and the Branch Davidians. Koresh famously “married” multiple women, including young adolescents. He apparently expected his wives and their children to die with him during the assault on their compound.
What to Do
If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner, consider your own risk factors. Are guns present or available? Has your partner threatened you physically or hurt you or children? Don’t dismiss such incidents because they were “minor” since family violence tends to escalate over time, getting worse in subsequent incidents. Furthermore, don’t excuse such violence as happening only rarely. How often does violence have to occur to be intolerable? Is there an acceptable level of violence in an intimate relationship? In loving relationships neither physical nor emotional abuse occurs. Anger, yes. Arguments, yes. Violence or emotional abuse, no. If you have experienced violence of any kind in your relationship, you should insist that your partner get therapy. If this is refused, reconsider what it means for you to stay. Don’t tell yourself that a terrible situation is somehow not that bad.
In Conclusion…
Murder-suicide is relatively rare, but if:
- You have a very jealous partner
- Have previously experienced violence in your relationship
- Been threatened with a weapon
- Your partner has extreme reactions to the thought of the relationship ending
you are at heightened risk. Don’t dismiss threats of violence or gut feelings of danger. Seek help in leaving the relationship or in otherwise protecting yourself from a potentially life-threatening situation. If the threat of violence is imminent, 9-1-1 should be your first call.